The Dating Game Hogwart's Style
by GumAcacia
Summary: ***Episode three is FINALLY up! What happens when a popular game show crosses with Harry Potter's world? Lee Jordan's the host, this time Percy's in the hot seat! So, why is he tied to the chair? PWP/Slapstick
1. Harry's Game

Disclaimer: I want to own them, but I don't. The Goddess formerly known as J.K Rowling does.  
  
A/N OK, well this all stemmed from a dream I had. And this dream would NOT leave my head! So, to appease the dream God's I set to writing this out! I can only hope you all find it even a little funny hehehe. Enjoy it (yay) or hate it (aww) either way it's finally out of my head haha! By the way, this is done in 'play' format. Okey Dokey? Also, good background music is the Theme Song for "The Dating Game" ha!  
  
  
  
The Dating Game! Hogwarts Style By: Gum Acacia  
  
  
  
Host: Hello! And welcome to another exciting edition of 'The Dating Game!' I'm your host Lee Jordan! And today we have a plethora of potential victims...er...I mean contestants for you! So, on we go and let's meet today's first vic- eh heh heh...contestant!  
  
[Incredibly cheesy music starts to play. Our host is posted ever vigilantly at his podium. The stage begins to turn, lights begin to flash and we catch a glimpse of today's first guest]  
  
Host: All the way from Godric's Hollow, It's none other than 'The Boy who Lived' Harry Potter!  
  
[Audience proceeds to scream their ruddy heads off. Three women are carried off on stretchers; four men are restrained to their seats. One man in a black cloak goes unnoticed by all the rest, he watches Harry ominously.]  
  
Host: Harry is currently working for The Ministry of Magic as an Auror.  
  
Audience: Ohhhhh. Awwwwww.  
  
Host: He likes to take long walks on the beach, he enjoys flying on his FireBolt 5000, and every year he vanquishes at least one threat to the wizarding world! What a man!  
  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAY!  
  
Host: So, Harry are you ready? What shall it be, Witches or Wizards?  
  
[Harry turns a very bright shade of red as the Audience cheers for both.]  
  
Harry: Uhh, I think I'll take Witches, Lee.  
  
Audience: Boooooooo!  
  
Host: For our first Witch how about a blast from your past, your very first date from your very first Yule Ball! Everyone let's hear it for Miss. Parvati Patil! Parvati is the new Divination Professor for Hogwarts; she enjoys cooking treacle fudge and de-gnoming her garden. What a gal! Say hello to Harry Miss. Patil.  
  
Parvati: Hello, Harry.  
  
Host: Our second Witch is sure to be a surprise! It's his best friends kid sister, Miss. Virginia Weasley! Better known as Ginny to all her friends, Miss. Weasley currently works for her two older brothers as Head of the Complaints Department for 'Weasley Wizard Wheezes.' Though, I can't imagine what they would have complaints against. Their new disappearing cauldrons are sure to be a hit with Potions Masters everywhere! Ginny, why don't you say hello to Harry.  
  
Ginny: squeak  
  
Host: All right, we'll take that as a hello! Our last Witch has been an employee for Hogwarts since 1969, give a warm round of applause for Miss. Minerva McGonagall! How have you been Professor? Wait a tic? Who is that? That's not McGonagall!  
  
[Security guards swarm the stage; the false Minerva is wearing a wig! It is removed and the crowd gasps. The man in the cloak still leers, unseen, at Harry.]  
  
Host: Draco Malfoy! What are you doing dressed up like Professor McGonagall?  
  
Draco: It's not fair! Why do only Witches get a crack at him?  
  
Host: I'm sorry Draco, but since you are a contestant in our next round, you're not eligible to be one of Harry's picks. Security, would you please take him away and bring out the real McGonagall?  
  
[Draco is hauled away kicking; the real McGonagall takes her seat. Harry by now, looks as though he is turning a lovely shade of Slytherin Green.]  
  
Host: Well, now that *that's* all taken care of, we can get on with the show! Harry, you'll have three questions to ask each of the ladies, then you can make your choice! And to keep things totally unbiased on your part, we're gonna mix things up!  
  
[A giant divider screen pops up between our contestant and his ladies. The Witches are put in different order and given vocal charms to hide their real voices! Witch Number one is Ginny, number two is McGonagall and three is Miss. Parvati Patil!]  
  
Host: All right Harry! It's time to ask your first question. Please stick to the questions that have been pre-selected for you.  
  
[Incredibly cheesy music starts again]  
  
Harry: Uhh, Witch Number three, If I were a rampaging Hippogriff, how would you sooth me?  
  
Parvati: Well, Harry...  
  
[What sounds like the voice of Rubeus Hagrid booms through the air]  
  
Parvati: ...first, I'd walk up to you very so slowly. And then, I'd calmly place my hand on your neck, and begin to stroke it ever so softly. Before long, you'd be putty it my hands!  
  
Host: Well, I think it will be a long time before we can disassociate that answer with that voice. Memory charms will be available for anyone who thinks they might be traumatized.  
  
Harry: Witch number one, same question.  
  
Ginny: squeak Umm, I'd...  
  
[The voice of Griphook the Goblin squeaks out, and it is all our host can do to keep from doubling up on the floor in laughter]  
  
Ginny: I would use a disarming charm on you, then I would turn you back into a man, because I don't think it's legal for Hippogriffs to play Quidditch.  
  
Host: Well, a Witch who obviously puts Quidditch at the top of her list! Well done! Harry, why don't you ask out last Witch?  
  
Harry: Witch number two?  
  
Minerva: Well, Harry...  
  
[The audience bursts into tear filled laughter as the voice of a mountain troll echo's throughout the studio.]  
  
Minerva: First, I'd put something a little more comfortable, maybe this pink nighty I've been waiting to use. Then, I'd put on some soft music, light a few candles...and then take fifteen points from Gryffindor for use of an ILLEGAL TRANSFIGURATION SPELL!  
  
Host: Ok, I think we're going to need to charm that last bit from Harry. Ladies I'll remind you, not to give too much of your identities away. And would someone please charm me as well, I don't think I can continue my duties as host with 'pink nightys' in my head!  
  
[A quick batch of memory charms are handed out, and our figure in black continues to be a mystery.]  
  
Host: Well, Harry are you ready for question two?  
  
Harry: Witches one, two and three. Being and Auror, I sometimes come home from work with a few bumps and bruises. How would take care of me, if I can home one night thoroughly roughed up?  
  
Ginny: Well, I think I'd use a quick healing spell, and then I'd make you some soup.  
  
Audience: Awwwwwwwww.  
  
Minerva: Well, first I'd slip into that pink nighty of mine, and then I'd brew you a pepper up potion. It would be a shame to waste that steam being built up inside you, so after that I think we'd-  
  
Host: For the sake of all our audience members, I'm not going to allow you to finish that sentence. I don't think there's a memory charm strong enough to wipe out that kind of damage. Witch number three, why don't you continue.  
  
Parvati: Well, I think I'd draw you a nice bath. And then of course, I'd give you a quick healing spell and put you directly to bed. But I think you'd deserve a good spanking for being such a naughty boy!  
  
Host: Whoa! Witch number three, please remember we have younger viewers at home. And also just for the record, sometimes hosts are very naughty boys. We need a good spanking all the time!  
  
[The audience responds in a very Jerry Springer like fashion, security rushes to protect the stage.]  
  
Audience: Jordan! Jordan! Jordan!  
  
Host: Thank you everyone! Harry, it's time for your last question, and then you'll need to make your choice!  
  
Harry: I can't ask this question!  
  
Host: Harry, I'm afraid you'll have to, or we'll use the Tikalus curse on you.  
  
Harry: But...But...  
  
Host: Come on chap, it's in the waver you signed!  
  
Harry: Oh all right! Being an avid Quidditch player, I really put my 'broom' through a beating sometimes. After a particularly hard workout...what would you...I can't ask that!  
  
Host: All right Harry, get ready for Tikalus then.  
  
[Lee raises his wand and points it at Harry]  
  
Harry: All right! What would you do to-get-my-broomstick-in-top- condition.  
  
Audience Member: I bet I can get your broomstick in working order!  
  
Host: Now, now everyone. Lets' let the ladies take this one. Witch Number one?  
  
Ginny: I...I...I...His broom...I...I...thud  
  
Host: Will someone please pick up Witch number one and put her back on her chair. It seems she's passed out. Oh well, Witch number two?  
  
Minerva: Well, first of I'd put on my pink nighty...And then I'd take some nice course sand paper and scrape of at least a half inch of your broom. Then I'd pull out all the twigs, and cut them down till their all the same size. Then I'd shove them back in, and then I'd whack your broom against a tree as hard as I can to make sure it's still good.  
  
[The audience is completely silent, in the distance the sound of a lone cricket can be heard.]  
  
Host: Well, Witch number two, thank you for that lovely answer. Harry mate, I'd say a heads up to that one. I'm not so sure she *wasn't* altogether aware of that double meaning. Witch number three, why don't we have your answer. And then you can have my address.  
  
Audience: Jordan! Jordan! Jordan!  
  
Parvati: Well, Harry, I'd say the only way to help your broomstick would be to take care of it. every. single. day. I wouldn't let a day go by without giving it a good polish.  
  
Host: Well that settles it. Contestant three is withdrawn from eligibility. I'm sorry Harry. And Witch three, you can meet me later for some butter beer. So, it's either witch one or with two, Harry. Who's it going to be?  
  
[Before Harry can answer there is a loud explosion and smoke fills the air. The man in the black cloak finally makes himself known. It is none other than Lord Voldemort himself!]  
  
Host: Well! This *is* a surprise! We thought you were dead! Harry, didn't you say you vanquished him?  
  
Harry: Uhhh, I thought I did.  
  
Voldemort: You thought you could get rid of me did you? HA! Never! You'll never be rid of me. I'll always be behind you, waiting to pounce.  
  
Host: Well Mr. Mort. Or should we call you Voldie?  
  
Voldemort: It is Voldemort or the Dark Lord thank you very much!  
  
Host: Whatever! If you want to do any 'pouncing' on Harry, I'm sorry you'll have to get in line. He's about to pick his dream Witch, if you don't mind.  
  
Voldemort: YOU'LL NEVER BE RID OF ME!  
  
Host: Harry, would you hurry up and vanquish him, we have another show to tape today.  
  
[There is a large scuffle as Harry and Voldemort fight. Somehow in the process, Harry's shirt is ripped from his body. And like a moth to a flame, Draco finds himself back on stage]  
  
Draco: What's going on? Oh my! Harry, you're practically naked!  
  
Harry: Yes, thank you for pointing that out Malfoy, but I'm just a bit busy here, trying to vanquish the Dark Lord once again!  
  
Draco: (Barley Audible) Would you look at those rippling muscles.  
  
[The fight continues on, suddenly the room is filled with dozens of Aurors, Dumbledore is in the lead. They continue to fight, and with the addition of the extra Wizards, they are able to subdue and defeat Voldemort]  
  
Voldemort: You'll never be rid of me, never!  
  
[One of the Aurors floats Voldemort out of the studio, the audience bursts into applause]  
  
Dumbledore: We apologize for this interruption, but we knew if Harry were to pose as a contestant on this show, it would draw out the Dark Lord from his hiding place...I'm just so sorry that...wait a tic...Professor McGonagall! What are you doing here? And in your underwear!  
  
[McGonagall who had just finished changing into Lee Jordan's nightmare nighty, made her way over to Dumbledore]  
  
Minerva: Well, Albus. I'm not getting any younger, and I thought I'd better try this since the personal ads rejected my letter once again.  
  
Dumbledore: I've never seen you look so...so...so ravishing.  
  
Minerva: Oh Albus do you think so?  
  
Dumbledore: I don't think I can contain myself any longer, I must have you!  
  
[Dumbledore and McGonagall are ushered out of the studio tangled in each other's limbs. Their loud kissing can be heard from backstage.]  
  
Host: Well, we apologize for that scene. If anyone feels they need more then a memory charm to rid themselves of the Headmaster and the Professor groping...we will be passing out some fire whiskey after the show. Again, our sincerest apologies. Well, Harry it looks as though you get to choose between Witch number one, and uhh, Witch number one! Who shall it be?  
  
Harry: I guess, Witch number one.  
  
Host: Well, hold onto to your socks Harry, because you've just won yourself a tropical vacation for two with Miss Virginia Weasley! You'll be staying for three nights and four days at the fabulous Wizarding resort 'Merlin's Mirage' in Tahiti! There you'll find your days filled with adventure and your nights filled with...Oh, I'm sorry Harry, looking at my notes it seems that by order of ever male Weasley your nights will be filled with platonic hand shakes and two separate bedrooms. Tough luck mate!  
  
[Audience bellows with laughter, Ginny is finally revived and immediately passes out again after being told she has won. Draco, unnoticed by all, sneaks back onto the stage.]  
  
Harry: Mrhm...Flifh....Muad....Smersh.  
  
Draco: Mhhhh  
  
Harry: Malfoy! You just kissed me!  
  
Draco: Yes I did, and you noticed!  
  
Harry: Would you kindly take your hands off my bum!  
  
Audience: Boooooooooooo!  
  
Host: Well, it seems that our Mr. Malfoy can not contain himself when he's around you Harry. What do you say, mate? Want to take him with you?  
  
Harry: Have you all gone mad? He's a man!  
  
Host: Well, Draco it seems you're out of luck. But never fear! We've got three Wizards who are just dying to get themselves a little bit of that Malfoy Loving!  
  
[Audience goes hysterical. Harry rushes off to hide behind Lee, protecting himself from Draco's wandering hands.]  
  
Host: Well, we hope you all enjoyed today's show, and as soon as our winning Witch wakes up, we'll send these two on their way! Join us next time for 'The Dating Game!'  
  
Announcer: All contestants receive a years supply of Chocolate Frogs and Bonko's Better Butter Beer! Better then before, more buttery then ever! All contestants must agree to the Official rules and be free of any curses at time of taping including Imperius and any other choice inhibiting potions or spells. Copyright 2002, Prey-Dupe Enterprises.  
  
~~~~~ A/N:  
  
Ok, that was totally dorky and I know it lol! But it was a lot of fun for me to do, because I normally don't write things like this. I have every intention of writing a second fic with Draco as our next Victim (let's be honest they are!)  
  
If you would like to vote on who should be next in the victims chair...Feel free to just click review. It's that button right down there! HAHA!  
  
Thank you to the dream God's or who ever put this idea in my head. I hope tonight I'll be able to sleep! 


	2. Draco's Game

Disclaimer: I want to own them, I would take very good care of them if I *did* own them, but I don't own them. The Goddess formerly known as J.K Rowling does. All hail the Goddess! {Yip Yip}  
  
A/N OK, well this all stemmed from a dream I had. And I think we all know now how dangerous my dreams can be! I had NO intention of updating this so soon. But since I got such lovely reviews so quick, I had to! Again, I can only hope you all find it even a little funny hehehe. Enjoy it (yay) or hate it (aww) Once again this is done in 'play' format. Okey Dokey? This is for Tikal (Who Reviewed first) and wanted to see Draco. A reminder from the last "episode" Draco loves Harry. And Harry is a boy. Do you all see where this is going? If that kind of thing bothers you, I'd say skip this episode and wait for episode three. But, if you're in this for the humor, then good on ya! Let's go!  
  
Warning! These fics contains a lot of innuendoes so please be on the look out! They can sneak up on you. If you've never seen the Dating Game, well that's all that show was about! They actually asked 'how would you eat me, if I were a Popsicle' once. That should be warning enough I think! There's one bad word in this gasp I warn you now!  
  
  
  
The Dating Game! Hogwarts Style By: Gum Acacia  
  
  
  
Host: Hello! And welcome to another exciting edition of 'The Dating Game!' I'm your host Lee Jordan! Today we have a very interesting contestant for you all...hold onto your seats everyone!  
  
[Once again horribly cheesy music starts to fill the air. Our host can be seen shoving bits of cotton in his ears. The lights flash the stage turns, and half our audience begins to drool]  
  
Host: All the way from Canterbury, it's the boy we all love to hate and long to see prance about in tights, Draco Malfoy!  
  
Audience: YAAAAAAAAY!  
  
Host: Draco currently has no job, but as he's heir to the Malfoy Billions, the rich little sod doesn't need one! You may remember him from torturing you in Potions. You may remember him as the guy who blew up your favorite broom! For some of you he may even be the guy who stole all your chocolate frogs on the train to Hogwarts, but to me he'll always be the silly little runt who always lost at Quidditch-  
  
Draco: I did *not* always lose at Quidditch! I won the cup my very last year!  
  
Host: Of course you did, the year Harry was off vanquishing another foe, and Gryffindor was stuck with Neville Longbottom as the reserve seeker! I still say that cup doesn't count!  
  
Draco: It does!  
  
Host: It doesn't you ruddy little imp and if you weren't such a -  
  
Announcer: Uhh, Lee, we need to get on with the show.  
  
Host: Oh, right. Yes well, then let's move on shall we? Who shall it be Draco, Witches or Wizards? Not that we all don't know the answer to that question. You're the only boy in school who ever wore lace gloves to bed!  
  
Draco: They were not made of lace, and they were for medical purposes!  
  
Host: If that's what you'd like us to believe.  
  
Draco: Oh shut up, I'll take Wizards.  
  
Host: Well, someone call The Daily Prophet, I don't think anyone saw *that* one coming!  
  
Audience: WHOOOOO HOOOO! Jordan! Jordan! Jordan!  
  
Host: All right Draco, let's bring them out. First off, let's give a warm welcome to the man better known as 'The Lusty Leprechaun', Seamus Finnigan! Seamus, why don't you say hello to Draco?  
  
Seamus: Hello there, Drrrrraco!  
  
Host: And next, all the way from Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, let's give it up for the man who still holds the record for most consecutive days without washing his hair, Severus Snape!  
  
Audience: Booooooooooooooooooo!  
  
Host: Professor, why don't you say hello to Draco?  
  
Severus: Mr. Malfoy.  
  
Host: Well, yes, that's a 'hello' to get anyone's engine revved up. And last but not least, let's bring out the man who held the title for 'Hogwarts Walking Fantasy' for seven years in a row, Mr. Harry Potter!  
  
[Draco falls off his stool, and our host is overcome with fits of laughter]  
  
Host: Ha! You silly ponce, he's still on his trip!  
  
Draco: That was not funny!  
  
Host: That all depends on how you define funny. I define it as seeing you fall off your stool and land on your head!  
  
Announcer: Lee, please get on with it!  
  
Host: Oh all right! Our last poor sod comes all the way from Bristol. Let's give a warm welcome to young Mr. Colin Creevey! Colin, I understand you've become chief photographer for the Daily Prophet, that must be exciting! Why don't you say hello to Draco?  
  
Colin: All right there, Draco?  
  
[There is a bright flash and Colin can be seen loading his now infamous camera, ready to take more pictures.]  
  
Draco: These are my choices? But they don't even *look* like Har- er, I mean the kind of man I'd fancy.  
  
Host: Yes, well then I'd suggest a quick Transfiguration spell later on. Now, let's move on to the question round of our game! As we're all familiar with, our contestants' order will be mixed up, and their voices disguised, please put up the divider! Draco do you have you pre-selected questions ready?  
  
Draco: Yes, I'm ready. Wizard number one, would you ever consider cutting your hair and dyeing it black? Also, how do you feel about glasses?  
  
Host: That's not the question we gave you to ask! Please stick to your assigned questions!  
  
Draco: Oh all right! Everyone knows that Potions was by far my best subject. If I were a love potion, just how would you brew me?  
  
[The voice of a Pixie comes out of our Colin Creevey, who is now Wizard One.]  
  
Colin: Uhh, well. I never was any good at potions. So, I'd just poor you into the cauldron and hope you didn't come out anything, unnatural!  
  
[The audience bursts into laughter, and Professor Snape looks as though he's about to strangle Colin for that less than perfect answer.]  
  
Draco: Wizard number two, what about you?  
  
Seamus: Well, first off...  
  
[The voice of Ludo Bagman hides our Irishman's accent]  
  
Seamus: I'd make sure I'd spend enough time getting your ingredients just right. And then, I'd slowly bring you to a nice simmer. Of course, by now I'd have to get out my nice long spoon to stir you with, in a counterclockwise manner. Then I'd really turn up the heat-  
  
Host: Well, yes I don't think anyone doubts where *that* was going, but let's remember this is a 'family' hour show. Let's try to keep things a little less...visual shall we? Wizard three, what's your answer?  
  
[Snape looks utterly disgusted with both previous answers, and is equally dismayed to find the voice of Sirius Black coming out of his mouth]  
  
Severus: Well, I too have a certain soft spot for potion making. First off, I would dry the heart of a wild Jarvey, which is the key ingredient in a Love Potion. Then I would use the skin of a Moke to hold the juice of a Horklump, which I would then place inside the heart. Then I would let you sit outside for the full cycle of a moon. Only then would I begin adding the rest of the ingredients. All of which must be thoroughly cleansed. After a week of boiling not over fire, but fire seeds, you would be ready. I would also like to inform you that Wizard one would have caused you to explode immediately and Wizard two was on the verge of turning you into a Wood Nymph!  
  
Host: Well, yes I think that was the most clinical answer we've ever had. Thank you for managing to take all the fun out of that question! Draco, are you ready for Question number two?  
  
Draco: Yes, how do each of you feel about scars, preferably on your foreheads. I know a quick spell that wouldn't even hurt-  
  
Host: Will you knock it off you stupid git, and stick to the questions we gave you!  
  
Draco: Fine, if you don't want me to make a choice based on the things I actually care about!  
  
Audience: Booooooooooooooooo!  
  
Draco: Wizard's one, two and three, if you could be any kind of magical animal, what would it be and why?  
  
Colin: I'd say a Hippogriff! I think they're marvelous creatures, and I'd really like to be able to fly!  
  
[Draco looks less then thrilled with this answer, obviously recalling his 'close brush with death' back when he was thirteen.]  
  
Seamus: Well, I'd have to say I'd be a Centaur. They have the most delectable abs and arms to die for, and I wouldn't mind the benefits of having an extra large-  
  
Host: Don't even think about finishing that sentence!  
  
Seamus: What? I was going to say capacity for Astrology!  
  
Audience: Whoooo Hooooo!  
  
Host: That's it! I'm putting in for a Job commentating for the 'Balleycastle Bats' tomorrow! Wizard three, dare I ask?  
  
Severus: I have always been partial to dragons...  
  
Audience: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
Severus: So I would choose the Peruvian Vipertooth.  
  
Host: Once again Wizard three takes all the fun out of answering! Well let's move on to our last- wait a minute! Draco what are you doing? Get away from there!  
  
[Draco, unnoticed by all, has moved off his stool and is trying to peak around the divider. He is quickly pulled back by security and magically bound to his stool.]  
  
Host: Try that again, and we'll use handcuffs!  
  
Seamus: Oh! I have some on me if you need any.  
  
Audience: Whoooo Hoooo!  
  
Host: Thank you Wizard number two, but uhh, I think we've got things under control now. All right Draco, ask your last question and then you can make your choice.  
  
Draco: In your best impression of, oh let's say...I don't know...let me think...Harry Potter, describe to me how our first date might go.  
  
Host: I'd say nowhere at all without a little help from imperius!  
  
Audience: Jordan! Jordan! Jordan!  
  
Host: But let's sit back and see what our Wizard's have to say.  
  
Colin: Uhh, being Harry Potter, I'd uhh, take you to a game of Quidditch when my favorite team, the Chuddley Cannons, was playing. And then, uhh, maybe we'd go off to Hogsmeade for a butter beer.  
  
[There are bright flashes everywhere and we see that the young photographer has bewitched his camera to take pictures of Draco by itself]  
  
Host: Well that does indeed sound like something our Harry would do. Wizard number two, I'm more then afraid to ask. What about you?  
  
[Incredibly vampy music starts like that of a seventy's strip club]  
  
Seamus: Well, being Harry Potter, the first thing I would do, would be defeat whichever Dark Wizard was trying to take over the world! And then, I'd take you to my favorite nude beach-  
  
Host: Watch it Wizard two!  
  
Seamus: Oh all right, we'd skip the beach. We'd go dancing, where I would undoubtedly have to defeat a villainous demon that would inevitably try to curse us all. Then, we would go back to my place where I'd show you my-  
  
Host: That's it! Someone perform a silencing spell on him!  
  
Seamus: Would you get your mind out of the gutter! I was going to say my chocolate frog card collection! Then I would take you home, stopping along the way to defeat a few more villains, of course. Then a quick kiss, or ten, goodnight.  
  
Draco: Yes, I can almost see Har- er, *you* now................Oh my...Umm, Wizard three?  
  
Severus: Well, first off, I'd make you follow me around like a sniveling idiot! Just like all my other ridiculous obsessed fans do. Then I'd take you out, and of course I'd have to save your life so everyone would say what a great guy I am! Then, I'd nearly die and by some act of God I'd survive, but noooo, everyone would say it's because I'm such a terrific Wizard! No one would admit that I'm a stupid little boy who does nothing but continue to be a NUISANCE TO EVERYONE I MEET!  
  
Host: Uhh, Wizard three, do you need a glass of water or some-  
  
Severus: Then we'd parade around so anyone with a camera can take a picture and that stupid pathetic rag for a newspaper better known as 'The Daily Prophet' can announce that I've successfully wiped my own arse! Bully for me! Then I'd go back to school so Dumbledore could fawn all over me again, and I'd ignore my potions master and take all the credit that rightfully belongs to him for defeating Voldemort! I mean he was the one who worked as a spy for the ministry. HE was the one that came up with a protective charm for my worthless little-  
  
Host: Well, that does indeed sound like an interesting date. Thanks again Wizard three for bringing a whole new side to this show. Draco, dare I even ask who you're going to pick?  
  
Draco: Well, I'd just like to say that I have every intention of suing your worthless game show for giving me practically *nothing* to choose from! I am a Malfoy! I hardly think any of these three are worthy of me!  
  
[Just then the barricade comes crashing down Severus and Seamus each set off to beating Draco within an inch of his life! Colin is far to busy taking pictures to join in on the fun.]  
  
Colin: That's perfect Professor, hold still. Go ahead, and really bite into his leg. Oh! That's gotta smart! Seamus, could you move your hand a bit, and try not to look like you're enjoying this so much, oh do that again! I missed that one! Come on, really get into it! Wow! I didn't know someone could bend like that!  
  
[Security swarms the stage finally pulling both Seamus and Severus off of a thoroughly beaten Draco]  
  
Host: Well, I must say that was a dream come true for me. And I'd like someone to send me a copy of today's show to my flat immediately! Since Draco doesn't seem to want to decide, why don't we let the audience choose for him?  
  
[An overwhelming amount of number two's can be heard, chanting throughout the air.]  
  
Host: Well, it seems like we have a winner! Draco, get ready to meet your dream wizard, it's none other than-  
  
[There is a loud explosion behind the divider. Colin and Seamus are both covered in ash and lying unconscious on the floor. Professor Snape is sitting perfectly still, a smug smile painted in his face.]  
  
Host: Well, it seems do to the ILLEGAL use of a pop-off potion, today's winner is every sadist's favorite teacher, Professor Severus Snape!  
  
[The audience goes crazy, and Draco tries to break the bindings that still leave him anchored to the chair]  
  
Host: I hope you're up for some of that Malfoy loving Professor, because you and Draco have just won a week in the honeymoon sweet at "Prowlers Inn" in Italy! Swimming and five star dinners are what this little resort is famous for. How does that sound to you, Draco?  
  
Draco: I'm not going anywhere until he washes his hair!  
  
Severus: I'm sorry Draco, but one more year and I make it into the Wizards book of World Records!  
  
Draco: Oh, come on! This isn't fair!  
  
[Snape, who is busy reciting to him, one hundred and one reasons why you shouldn't want to shag Harry Potter, drags Draco off stage]  
  
Host: Well, that was an interesting episode and I think someone on the set must have been having an extreme sugar high when they came up with this idea! Free memory charms for all! Join us next time, when we take on one of the Weasleys! And remember, on 'The Dating Game' the victims aren't always the contestants, they're usually the viewers...not to mention the host!  
  
Announcer: All contestants receive a years supply of Ogden's Fire Whiskey and Weasley Whackers! Need to whack an enemy? Then come to the Weasley's where every hundredth whack is free! All contestants must agree to the Official rules and be free of any curses at time of taping including Imperius and any other choice inhibiting potions or spells. Copyright 2002, Prey-Dupe Enterprises.  
  
~~~~~ A/N  
  
Ok, that was just me being an idiot again lol! Thank you soooo much to everyone who reviewed! You guys inspired me to write more, so if you hated this one it's your fault. (lol) I already have wicked ideas for my next victim.  
  
Remember, if you have anyone you'd like to see in the Victim's chair, or if you have anyone you'd like to see compete for a date, just hit that little review button!  
  
Jaz, BEYOND thank you for adding me to your favorites list...Though I don't deserve it, I so appreciate it very much!  
  
Spilled Ink, Sorry you thought the first chapter was a little profane, I tried to keep it as JUST an innuendo though. So, try to take it literally if it's a bit nasty for you lol. I LOVE your idea for Dobby, and he will be showing up VERY soon! 


	3. Percy's Game

Disclaimer: I want to own them, do you know how I could own them? Will you tell me how I can own them? Oh, the things I would do if I did own them! [Horribly sinister music starts to fill the air] YES! THE THINGS I WOULD DO MUAH MUAH MUAH! Oh! Uhh, sorry, I think I got carried away there... The Goddess better known as J.K Rowling does. All hail the Goddess!!!  
  
Warning! These fics may contain innuendoes so please be on the look out! They can sneak up on you.  
  
(Oops! I thought I posted this like a month ago! Shame on me!)  
  
The Dating Game! Hogwarts Style By: Gum Acacia  
  
Host: Hello! And welcome to another frightening edition of 'The Dating Game!' I'm your host Lee 'There's No Way I Get Paid Enough For This Job' Jordan. Today we have a very special contestant for you all, someone who is like a brother to me. An older brother who *never* let's me break the rules, and who constantly spoils my fun! But, an older brother just the same!  
  
[The horrid disgustingly cheesy music, we all have come to know and hate, starts to fill the air. Our host begins to bat his head repeatedly against his podium. The lights flash the stage turns, the audience begins to tap their feet to the hideously hypnotic tune.]  
  
Host: All the way from Liverpool, it's the boy who got at least half of us into trouble while we were at school. Hogwarts' favorite snitch, Perciville Weasley!  
  
[There's an equal number of boo's and hoorah's, Percy looks less then comfortable on his stool.]  
  
Host: Percy currently works for The Ministry of Magic, and is head of the International Wizarding Relations Department! Percy's idea of a great night out is getting home in time to make sure his Ministry Owl has next morning's agenda before he goes to sleep! Seems like we have a wild one on our hands this time around ladies and gents, you better hold yourselves back!  
  
Audience: Whooo Hooo!  
  
Host: So, Percy. What brings you to our lovely show? Lonely heart? A taste for something new? The masochist in you screaming for some torture?  
  
Percy: Blackmail.  
  
Host: Well, I must say that's a new one for our show! Let me guess, Fred and George up to their old tricks again, eh mate?  
  
Percy: Actually no, my mother is blackmailing me. She wants grandchildren, and she's like a tiger when she wants something. She'd claw me to pieces if she thought she could get them!  
  
Host: Well, it seems there's a whole new side to Mrs. Weasley we didn't know about! I take it from your last significant relationship; you'll be choosing Witches?  
  
Percy: Yes, if you don't mind.  
  
Host: No, not at all. But...are you sure?  
  
Percy: Of course I'm sure, I dated Penelope for five years didn't I?  
  
Host: If you say so, it's just that, well, you always did have a bit of a 'poof' vibe about you.  
  
Percy: Poof vibe? Are you implying I like men?  
  
Host: Well, no. It's just that I remember seeing a couple of Gilderoy Lockhart pictures in your room, back in your sixth year. And, there was the whole Mr. Crouch thing I still -  
  
Percy: He was a great man! Wonderful Ministry representative!  
  
Host: - think you fancied him!  
  
Percy: I did nothing of the sort! I fancy women!  
  
Announcer: Lee! Can you move on please!  
  
Host: Oh, all right! Witch's it is! Percy, hold on to your seat mate, because we have three fabulous witches for you to meet. For our first Witch, everyone give a warm welcome to Miss. Millicent Bulstrode! This sassy Slytherin is sure to be a wild card. She enjoys arm wrestling and beating up ex-Gryffindors. Well Milly, why don't you say hello to Percy?  
  
Millicent: grunt  
  
Host: Well, wasn't that lovely! Next we have the delectable raven from Ravenclaw. Miss. Cho Chang!  
  
Audience: Whooo Hooo!  
  
Host: Originally rumored to be the one-time sweetheart of Cedric Diggory, Harry Potter and Roger Davies, this spunky Witch certainly prefers her men in the spotlight! Cho likes to spend her free time shopping in Diagon Alley and cutting out pictures of herself and pasting them in her scrapbook. Care to give Percy a Hello?  
  
Cho: Hi there, Percy!  
  
Host: And last but not least, all the way from Hogsmeade, Madam Rosy Rosmerta! Madam Rosy enjoys playing hostess and is always good for a secret or two. Rosy, why don't you say hi to Percy, eh?  
  
Rosy: Hi, Bill!  
  
Percy: Uhh, I'm Percy not Bill.  
  
Rosy: Shush! You're ruining my fantasy!  
  
Host: Well, Percy it seems like you're in for a hard decision later! Are you ready to ask your questions?  
  
Percy: Yes.  
  
Host: Well then! Let's get the divider up and do some damage to these lovely ladies voices! Don't want to make things *too* easy for ya Percy!  
  
[The divider is up. Unknown to Percy, the girls remain in there original positions. Once more the game show music from hell fills the air.]  
  
Percy: Witch Number two, being school prefect for two consecutive years, moving on to position as Head Boy and *then* becoming the youngest head of department in seventy-six years for the Ministry of Magic, I've always been an authority figure and pride myself on having a superbly run schedule-  
  
Host: Good Lord, could you just get on with the question?  
  
Percy: I was just about too! As I was saying, I have a *superbly* run schedule. Give me an example on how you could enter my life without disrupting my schedule.  
  
Host: That's a horrible question!  
  
Audience: Boooooooooo!  
  
Percy: I don't care, I want to know! Witch two?  
  
[The voice of Merlin himself rings through the air]  
  
Cho: Well, if you give me a sack of Sickles, I'll be out of your hair for a week! I'll just pop on down to Diagon Alley and check out the new shop, 'Harry's Hall Of Mirrors' and spend time with...me!  
  
Percy: Uhh, yes well...Witch number three?  
  
[Percy looks less then pleased as he hears his own voice speak for witch three]  
  
Rosy: Well, I'm a very family oriented person, and I think I could *more* then preoccupy myself by spending time with yours. I'm very interested in treasure hunting, so I'd always be more then happy to spend time with your brother, Bill. Maybe he could show me what spot 'X' marks.  
  
Audience: Whooo hoooo!  
  
Host: Bravo to Witch number three who turned a really dull question, into a very *interesting* answer. Witch number one, what about you?  
  
[Sounding like Albus Dumbledore and looking like a bulldog...]  
  
Millicent: I wouldn't go near you for all the Galleons in Gringott's.  
  
Host: Well, it seems like there's not a big chance Witch one would mess up your schedule.  
  
Percy: MOVING ON! Witch number three-  
  
[There is a loud explosion on the set, and for a moment everything is utter pandemonium]  
  
Host: What in the bloody hell...Who is that?  
  
[Two hooded figures rush towards the stage and stand on either side of our contestant]  
  
Percy: What is the meaning of this?  
  
[The crowd roars to life as the two figures cast aside their cloaks and are revealed to be none other then the co-owners of the Wizarding World's most successful gag store]  
  
Fred: Hello Percy!  
  
George: How are you mate?  
  
Percy: What are *you* two doing here?  
  
Fred: We've been watching the show, and we've decided you're too dull to pick out your own girl.  
  
George: So we decided that we'd just pop on over and choose for you!  
  
Host: Well, I must say lads, it is great to see you! Even more so since it means your brother won't have the chance to ask another God-awful question!  
  
Percy: I have no intention of letting them choose a Witch-  
  
Fred: Well sorry brother dear, you've got no choice!  
  
George: Ya, if you looked a little closer at your contract it says at any time Fred or I can take over for you.  
  
Percy: It did not! I read that contract thoroughly!  
  
Host: Did you happen to read the contract naked under a full moon wearing a green rubber hat on your head while singing "God save the Queen" in a falsetto voice?  
  
Percy: Are you mad? Of course not!  
  
Host: Well then you missed a clause that only shows up when you do so. Funny...most people seem to miss that one, I can't for the life of me figure out why!  
  
Fred: Well, I say on with the show! Witch number one, Percy just loves poetry! Why don't you give a rendition of your favorite poem?  
  
George: Feel free to add your own touches!  
  
Millicent: There once was a Wizard from Liverpool, who sat like a dunce on a big stool. His house, Gryffindor, was a terrible bore. TOO BAD THEY DIDN'T HAVE SOME DECENT MEN ON THIS SHOW, LIKE MAYBE SOMEONE FROM SLYTHERIN!  
  
Host: Well that was just a lovely poem. Rhyming is a terribly overrated quality in poetry anyway! Witch two?  
  
Cho: Roses are red, violets are blue. If you've got Galleons to spare, I'm the woman for you!  
  
Fred: Well I must say, I like that. Percy's Galleons are too busy collecting dust in his vault. Witch three?  
  
Rosy: What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Bill Weasley is the sun!  
  
George: Who?  
  
Rosy: Percy...Uhh...Percy is the sun.  
  
Percy: That's it! I want new Witches! One wants to kill me, two wants to spend all my money, and I'm fairly sure Witch three is in love with my brother, Bill!  
  
Fred: Oh come on now, be a good sport Perce!  
  
Percy: No! I refuse to go away with *any* of-  
  
[There is a loud pop and the Audience bursts into laughter as Percy's head is encased in a giant bubble.]  
  
George: I've been waiting to do that since I was four years old! Don't worry, he can still breathe.  
  
Host: Why don't you ask the last question, eh lads?  
  
Fred: Alright ladies, Percy takes his job for the International Wizarding Relations Department *very* seriously-  
  
Host: A little too seriously, if you ask me! Man's got a broomstick shoved so far up his arse, he probably floats every time he tries to sit down!  
  
Announcer: Lee, would you *please* get on with it!  
  
Host: Sorry, you were saying Fred?  
  
Fred: Ladies, how would you keep 'relations' between you and our brother as 'friendly' as possible?  
  
Millicent: I wouldn't. I would stay as far away from his as possible. And if I did happen upon the misfortune of meeting him, I know over a thousand curses and only sheer fatigue would keep me from performing EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM!  
  
George: Real firecracker this one! Definitely have to keep her in mind.  
  
[Percy's screams and protestations fall on deaf ears]  
  
Cho: Well, I think the quickest way to a happy family is to always keep the peace. And what better way to do that, then with a shopping spree at Diagon Alley! Where right now at 'Garen's Golden Gallery', you can get life size portal portraits painted for just two hundred galleons! What could be friendlier then a life size portrait of me?  
  
Host: Well, I'm sure Garen will thank you later for that little plug...Witch three, what about you?  
  
Rosy: Well, 'relations' are very important to me. I think it only proper to make sure 'relations' are in good standing...every...single...day. And 'relations' with *your* relations would be a top priority to me. Especially with your brother, Bill. I'd always make sure things were as friendly between us as could be. By the way, does he still have those leather breeches with the rip near the bum?  
  
Fred: Uhh, I'm not sure.  
  
Host: Well, we'll have to find out another day since it's time for Percy to meet the witch of his dreams! Fred...George, Are you ready to make your choice?  
  
George: Well, we think it's pretty obvious who we should pick.  
  
Fred: Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out which Witch is right for our brother.  
  
[Percy, who has been magically bound to his stool, is screaming his ruddy head off]  
  
Host: Well, then take your pick!  
  
Fred & George: Witch number one!  
  
[At this, Percy faints, Millicent tries to run off stage but is caught by security, Cho takes out a mirror and is oblivious to everyone but herself and Rosy bursts into tears at losing her opportunity to infiltrate the Weasley clan]  
  
Host: Could someone get a medi-wizard in here! I think our bachelor has passed out!  
  
[The audience is shocked once more by the sound of a loud pop and the disembodied voice of one Molly Weasley fills the air]  
  
Mrs. Weasley: Fred! George! You let your brother out of that bubble this instant! I mean it! Never would have BELIEVED it! You're ruining my chance at grandchildren!  
  
Fred: Take it easy Mum, it's only a game show!  
  
George: Ya, and it's not like he had a bed of roses to pick from anyway!  
  
[Percy, who has been released from his stool, marches over to his brothers, a look of pure malice in his eyes. Millicent looks as though she's turned Slytherin green, Cho puts down her mirror just long enough to switch hands and Rosy continues to bellow]  
  
Percy: That's it! I want off this show! There's no WAY I'm taking her home with me!  
  
Host: Well, I'm sorry Percy but since you signed our shows contract your legally obligated to spend a week with Witch number one, better known as, Miss. Millicent Bulstrode!  
  
Audience: HAHAHA!  
  
Host: Unless you'd rather take a trip to Azkaban instead for breech of agreement?  
  
Percy: But she'll kill me! And she looks like my great Aunts Pug!  
  
Host: Then what better resort for you and your lovely Witch to spend an entire week at then Celestia's Centaur, which features five 'one star' restaurants, Jet-skiing and a complimentary dog walking service!  
  
Percy: Fred! George! I swear on Merlin's beard I'll-  
  
[Percy is cut off by the sudden screaming of two of our contestants]  
  
Host: What is going on?  
  
Rosy: Witch one's shrinking!  
  
[Sure enough on closer inspection, witch one is indeed shrinking. She's doubled over and looks to be in a quite large amount of pain]  
  
Percy: She's defective!  
  
Host: NO! I don't think she's a 'she' at all! Look!  
  
[Millicent has shrunk down to the size of a beach ball]  
  
Host: It's a Polyjuice potion! But it can't be?  
  
Announcer: Oh yes it can!  
  
Host: Shut up I wasn't talking to you! You're ruining the suspense!  
  
Announcer: Fine!  
  
Host: As I was saying, it can't be! It's...It's...IT'S...  
  
Announcer: Dobby the house elf!  
  
Host: That's it! You're fired!  
  
[The audience bursts into laughter, and it's all our host can do not to fall off his podium]  
  
Dobby: Dobby is very sorry for having to lie to Mr. Percy, Dobby will indeed have to shut himself in the oven for this.  
  
Percy: You're that little runt of a house elf that's always following Harry Potter around! What are you doing here?  
  
Dobby: Dobby is trying to win himself a Wizard, sir! Dobby is very much in love, sir, and Dobby had to come. When the Mr.'s Fred and George came to Hogwarts last month, they is telling Dobby about this show. And they is helping Dobby to get on!  
  
Percy: I'll kill you both for this! I can't go on a Holiday with an elf!  
  
Fred: That's not what you said about Legolas!  
  
George: Just cause he's a pretty blonde elf!  
  
Host: I KNEW you were a poof!  
  
Announcer: Can we *please* get on with it!  
  
Dobby: Dobby has been loving Mr. Percy since he is first seeing him at Hogwarts making sure the students is being safe when the bad things was happening. Mr. Percy was so brave.  
  
Host: Well, since there's nothing in the rules that states the alteration of ones appearance isn't legal...Percy it looks like you're in for the week of your life!  
  
[Security walks a screaming Percy and a lovesick Dobby offstage]  
  
Host: Well that certainly was one for the books! Fred, George, feel free to visit anytime mates! And we hope you all have enjoyed today's episode, please see your doctor if any abnormal side effects start to show up! Please join us next time when Miss. Hermione Granger finds herself the next victim of, The Dating Game!  
  
Announcer: All contestants receive a years supply of Bertie Bott's every flavor beans and the new improved Longbottom Rememberall, remember what it is you've forgotten to recall! All contestants must agree to the Official rules and be free of any curses at time of taping including Imperius and any other choice inhibiting potions or spells. Copyright 2002, Prey-Dupe Enterprises.  
  
~~~~~ A/N  
  
I know, I'm totally tacky lol. MAJOR thanks to the people who reviewed. You people make me vaklempt! Jaz, Tikal you guys reviewed me twice! I'm starting to blush here. And CaelestisDiabolus, you have now reviewed everything I have. WOW! I don't deserve your praise, but I will take it! Har Har! And don't worry, this is not interfering with 'Vetux' lol!  
  
By the way IF YOU HAVE ANY ideas for questions, e-mail me (also lemme know if you're a 'witch' or 'wizard'), but don't post them...(don't want to ruin it for everyone) If they are at all like the old dating game questions, I'll use them. Trust me, it sucks having to think these things up lol!  
  
P.S. You guys notice I don't fancy Cho? I don't like her with Harry. It's either Draco or Ginny for me, no on else gets Harry. Except maybe..........Evil Grin eh heh heh heh... Never mind... 


End file.
